Written in January 2018…..
This last year has been the hardest year of my life. Hands down. I’ve had challenges…. scary things, hard things, but everything pales in comparison to this year. My life, the life I constructed around me, the walls that I put up and identified me as me, have come crashing down. It had been crashing down for awhile…. but we were keeping it under wraps, and then it just exploded. Looking back on it, I see now that it was God’s hand rescuing me.
Throughout the journey of this year, I have found my footing in God’s Word first, and second in music. Music has always been precious to me. All kinds. This year, its been Christian music from artists that explore the ugly and God’s grace lifting us from the binds of perfectionism. One of my theme songs has been “No Longer” by Nicole Nordeman. Here’s a link to it if you want to take a listen:
This song particularly has meant everything to me, because this is the way I desire to live now. “Afraid no longer. A slave no longer. Ashamed no longer.” I want to be real. I want to tell the truth, to be the truth. I want God to use this messy truth in me to bring others to him.
“I want to my feel my heart on fire now
And let the safety net burn down
Throw my arms out wide
Let your love collide in me
I want to run with my heart on my shirt
Straight into the wind, maybe get hurt
I thought living safe meant living stronger
No longer”
Every Mile Mattered, 2017
So here it is…. my story. The real me.
I grew up in a Christian home that was centered around loving and living for Jesus. My parents were in ministry. Christianity was me. There was no other option for me…. until my teen years when I realized that I needed to make the choice for myself. So I made it. I threw myself at the feet of Jesus and felt him truly in my life. It was real, but I was young and had yet sooooo much to learn about His love. I found my identity by being the good kid, the perfect Christian, the one of my siblings not causing “drama”, supporting and literally placing my parents, who served in ministry, on a pedestal. This wasn’t something they asked for, but I chose. Along those lines, I kept secrets. Dark ones. Sad ones. But I wouldn’t give up anything to sacrifice the perfect outside. The one that everyone was proud of. The one that was strong. Thus started my journey of genuine love for God shadowed and contained into a box of my control and my choosing. God knew. He worked with me where I was at. Looking back, I understand where and why He was leading me…. so that I could discover His real unconditional love.
He led me into a future life in ministry for myself. I knew it would involve teaching and music, so I pursued a music degree at a renowned Christian university in Chicago. I entered that college determined to live a single life of devotion to God. Those plans were duly sabotaged. I met “Mr. Wonderful”. A leader at our school – across the student body, out on the streets leading evangelism, a musician leading nationwide conferences hosted by our university. He, also, was on a trajectory to serve God with his life. He graduated first. I finished my degree and joined him in ministry at our first church in CA. He was loved there. He was accepted. He was happy.
But something was wrong. With us. I didn’t know. I didn’t understand. It just wasn’t the happy ever after…. in an effort to fix “it”, but not knowing what “it” was, we left that church after only two years there and moved to Seattle. We joined a large and very influential church in the area. After a year, we quickly realized it wasn’t the solution. But they had asked us for a five year commitment, and we were young and clueless. So we pushed on, ignoring the growing wounds and festering infection. I’m a fighter. I don’t give up easily. For another ten years, I fought losing battle after losing battle – to save my marriage, to earn my husband’s love, and to maintain a perfect outside for everyone around me. Despite the pain, despite the mistakes and the secrets, God did work through our ministry there. So we kept going. And broke more and more. There was no venue for help. Things were shoved under the rug. Directives were given. My husband lost his leadership position first, then eventually lost his job. Everything came out then. The dark secrets. The pain. I knew some of it, and didn’t know alot of it. Maybe I was naive. Stupid. Maybe I was programmed just to submit and turn the other cheek. I was so determined to stick it out, to forgive and win him over with grace and mercy. But years of fakeness, sadness, secrets, wears on you. I didn’t realize how broken I was.
We lost everything…. or maybe we always had lost it. We never had it. Maybe it was just all real now…. the ugly truth. I was abandoned by the people at our church. The day my husband lost his job, was the last day I saw most of the people that I had served and poured my life into for 10 years. Rejected. Shoved aside. Alone, sitting on the ashes of my life I built. There was a cover story. It had to be that way. But with it all shattered around me, I made my first choice to be real, to not play the game. Only I couldn’t tell my story or live in the Seattle area and be that true person. The deception was too deep, the pain of rejection too much. Last year, I moved to Spokane with the kids. I needed out. I needed to breathe. I needed a place to detox, to heal, to figure out what my life had become.
I was never alone. A few close, amazing people stuck by me and didn’t let my pain and fear drive them away. Without them, I do not know if I would have survived. And God…. He became more real to me than ever before. Of course I lashed out at Him – I mean, I gave Him everything, right? I served Him. I followed His plan. I didn’t make mistakes. I was loyal, pure, true. Why??? But He didn’t give up on me, and now I’m seeing and understanding what His love for me really means.
This year, 2017, the year of pain and darkness, ended with my divorce being finalized and a sad heartbreaking Christmas as a single mom. This was my choice. And I’ve heard many opinions offered about my decision. Lots of advice about “forgiving and forgetting”, about God creating marriage as a picture or bond that was not meant to be broken by any man, about submission. I’ve also felt people come around me, surround me in prayer as I begged God to show me what He wanted. It wasn’t and isn’t about me. I know this is what God asked of me. I didn’t want it. But I obeyed. The loneliness is real. The fact that my identity of the perfect Christian girl has been torn away from me has left me feeling me naked and bruised. The pain is so real that I feel it physically when it crashes down on me.
This new year though…. it is when Hope takes over. Its been there throughout 2017, but this year is when it is the leader. I have surrendered. I have given it all up. My reputation. My plans. My dreams. I am sitting on the rubble of my life and seeing the stars for the first time. I have found love, unconditional and unending love in the arms of my Savior. It was always there, but I didn’t get it. This year, perfection does not define me. Surrender, love, and HOPE defines me.
For those of you that knew me – the me I constructed – this all might be hard. Perhaps unbelievable. Even if you didn’t know me, the idea of a betrayed pastor’s wife, the scandal of it all may be hard to imagine. Yet there is hope in truth. There is hope in allowing God to be God and letting go of control.
I claim the words of Isaiah 43:1-4 for myself and for you:
“But now the Lord who created you, O Israel, says: Don’t be afraid, for I have ransomed you; I have called you by name; you are mine. When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown! When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up—the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, your Savior, the Holy One of Israel. I gave Egypt and Ethiopia and Seba to Cyrus in exchange for your freedom, as your ransom. Others died that you might live; I traded their lives for yours because you are precious to me and honored, and I love you.”