When you start writing your thoughts down and allow others to read it (like you, if you’re reading this now), I think you’re supposed to tell people about yourself. The obligatory “about me” section. Only problem is, I’m not the best at talking about me in a blind-lay-it-all-out-there kind of way. I’m an analyzer, always reading others, trying to discern what they are thinking, needing, and in this case – wanting to know.
So I’m going to go with my first guess…. that the basic every day details don’t matter to you as much as you’re wanting to know who this person is that is starting a blog about her journey into grace, about finding freedom, and about being beautiful, brave, and free.
So here goes – about me – beautiful, brave, and free:
What do other people say and think about me? Brave. Stubborn. Strong. Crazy. Introverted. Pretty. Shy. Betrayed. Hurt. Shattered. Abandoned. Rebellious. Unsubmissive. Bruised. Damaged. Wise. Smart. Fearful. Deceived. A project. Perfect Christian girl. Pure. Innocent. Stupid. Naive. Beautiful. Abused. Dog lover. Former Pastor’s wife. Miki’s mom. Loyal. Kind.
What do I think of me? I’m free. That’s it. Sure I’m alot of “things” like a mom (love it!!!), a dog lover, an introvert, etc. But as for who I am, there are two identities that I know for sure in all this craziness, in this remaking of my life, in the uncertainty: 1) I am a child of the King, loved, adored, and precious in His eyes, and 2) because I am His child, I’m free. Free from opinions. Free from expectations or “shoulda been” or “coulda been”. I’m free from perfect Christian checklists, or images that come along with life in ministry.
I wish I could say that I have my freedom “down pat”. But its a daily fight. I have to fight the old me. The one that analyzed the list above of what others think and expect. The one that found worth in what I accomplished in the limelight, and what people thought of me, my family, and my ministry. The one that held secrets behind that perfect facade in order to survive.
I have always loved Jesus…. for as long as I can remember. I’ve grown in my faith. Two steps forward, one step back. Never perfect, but also never alone. When I was younger, I had a plan. I had a calling. I remember still the feeling of sitting in that pew when I felt God’s presence and heard His voice telling me He had a plan for my life and would I just go along with it. Yes! Yes! Yes! Me! I’ll go! And I did. And God did have a plan. And He did do a lot of good stuff. But in the mix of it all, I split my heart between Him and others – between what He wanted (all of me), and what I wanted (people’s approval). So, in His perfect and terrible grace, He allowed it all to crumble around me. I scrambled for awhile, but now, I’m choosing to sit in the rubble. Its fascinating…. when you sit in the rubble of your life, with all the walls torn down, you can finally see the stars. Its beautiful in its messiness.
If your curiosity leads you to read any of my silly entries on this site, my prayer is only that it will help you to see the amazing freedom God is calling all of us to. A freedom that requires falling into His arms, letting go, submitting, and then being carried by the Maker of the Universe who loves you more than you will ever be able to define.
~Kristy