Beautiful, Brave, Free

While growing up, and then many times over my adult years, I’ve been brought back to the idea of God being the potter, us the clay, and the making our lives into a masterpiece.  Its a beautiful thought, and can certainly be both encouraging while also a reminder to seek a life of surrender.  But its tiring, and I wouldn’t be real if I said that the analogy, and sitting in the midst of it in my life, has always felt good and encouraging.  It hurts.  A lot recently, and for several years if I’m being honest…. and its tiring to keep believing that the good will come…. that a masterpiece is being formed.

Over the last couple of months, I’ve been face to face with both sides of this story…. the work in progress, in the pain – as well as glimmers of the prayers and longings for healing being answered.  I’m reflecting now on the fact that BOTH are happening simultaneously for me right now.  I wonder if it is God’s mercy…. extending to me hope even when all the answers aren’t there yet.  Perhaps He knows that I’m reaching the breaking point, or perhaps I’m finally strong enough to handle more.  Who knows.  I’m thankful that one day it will all be clear – and thankful He’s in charge, not me.  Its way above my pay-grade.  🙂

About three months ago, my church started a team night where all the volunteers get together and worship, pray, and reflect on where God has us as a team.  The first team night, one of my pastors got up to lead a prayer time, and she said that she felt strongly impressed that some of us have stopped dreaming.  We’re surviving, and that’s great – choosing joy, obeying, putting on step in front of another – but she said that she felt that God wanted us, some of us, to do more.  That He was asking us to step out in faith, dream something, and see Him do it.

I haven’t always been in churches where the programs aren’t carefully planned out and scripted.  The idea of allowing a person to get up and simply say, “God is telling me right now that….” isn’t one that always instantly goes over for me.  It didn’t help that in that moment, I felt a strong poke that it was ME she was referring to.  In all honesty, I didn’t just fall on my knees and say, “Your will be done.”  Let’s face it, I’m not that perfect.  Maybe that’s why God is still working on this masterpiece.  Instead, I skeptically said in my heart, “Ok…. so if that’s true, what am I supposed to be dreaming?  It’s not like my life is great right now…. I certainly feel Your grace and mercy in my life, Your protection, but let’s get real…. my life isn’t about fulfilling dreams right now – rather taking them apart.”  Its rare that I feel like God talks straight at me…. usually I feel His leading through other people, Scripture, nature, or other things.  But I very clearly heard this one….. “Music.  You need to dream of music again.”

When I was little, I was the athlete.  I was the one who was in gymnastics while my bookworm sisters excelled in school and took piano lessons.  I was climbing the jungle gyms and getting dirty.  I was turning flips while supposedly guarding the soccer goal because my team never got close…. but I digress.  Sometime in late middle school, early high school, I finally capitulated and sat down at a piano.  It was love at first site.  My big sis, Kari, was annoyed that in just a few months I surpassed her and was advancing beyond.  People around me said that I finally found my gift.  It was true.  I had a lot of catchup to do, and was informed that I had to work hard in college to prove my worth for a spot in their performance major, but we all know that saying something like that just makes me dig in and try harder.  🙂

Somehow, under a serious of many unfortunate events, I backed away slowly, ever so slowly away from music.  I lost my love. I abandoned my dream of a career in music.  I had tried a few times, but I always got doors slammed in my face, felt unworthy, or misplaced.  As of last year, I probably hadn’t sat down at the piano for more than a few minutes to help Miki, to read a keyboard part of church, or to play twinkle twinkle little star for Ezekiel.  My beautiful grand piano was covered in dust, used as a shelf for toys and other things that don’t have another place….

So yeah, God telling me to dream of music again sort of stung.  I mean really?  You want me to dream and hope for something right now when EVERY. SINGLE. DREAM. in my life recently had been broken to bits?  No thanks.  I’ll just let that one go and not ask for more pain.

Fast forward…. really long story of God working me over and me learning my lesson, I’m packing up my boxes and my 13 years of math teaching to teach music – general and choral – to young kids in my school district and at one of my middle schools.  My new principal told me, “we need a builder…. someone to build a program and help our kids fall in love with music.”  Oh boy.  Oh boy.  I would have laughed at you if you had told me this is what would have happened when I was standing in church that night being told to “dream again” and not just “survive.”  And yet, I’m so thankful.  Thankful for a glimmer of hope.  Thankful that the process of being made into a beautiful masterpiece is finally not just about being broken up, but its also about rebuilding.  I am so incredibly excited about next year…. of course I’m nervous, and scared of the changes, but also floored at finally seeing the trace of God’s hand in bringing me out here, finding a job in CSD, and then providing this opportunity for me.  I have not one doubt that God is in this from start to finish.  That helps.  Its something for me to hold on to.  God knew I needed a dream and I needed to see Him answer.

The struggle is still real.  This morning, I was talking with my sister, and sharing with her the continued pain that I face in the injustice of how I am judged and set aside due to my story with my husband and my choice of freedom.  I ranted and complained about feeling powerless and hurt by some of his recent actions, the lies, the manipulation.  She listened.  She validated.  But she also reminded me that there is a bigger picture.  She reminded me of the good that I’ve seen in people recently, and gave me the freedom to step away and once more choose freedom from a life tied to his choices and the pain he caused me.  She reminded me that it is MY choice to empower myself and choose freedom from the opinions of others.  She reminded me that I am not who he has made me, but I am who I choose to be, regardless of what people say or think.  I choose to be God’s princess.  I choose to be His masterpiece…. being taken apart, according to His plan from the start, for all to see the work of art He’s made of me.

Wherever God has you right now…. in the struggle, in the waiting, in the dreaming, or in the middle of it all like me – up and down, round around.  It’s your choice – your choice to be His and not the world’s.  It’s your choice to trust His sovereignty and His plan.  He’s set us up – He’s given it all to us, but it’s our choice.

This evening, before sitting down, I looked up one of my favorite passages, Ecclesiastes 3.  I pulled it up in the Message, just out of curiousity.  It made me laugh out loud…. and get a few looks from the baristas… I’ll write it below, and let you make the connection.  🙂

There’s an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth:

^9-13 But in the end, does it really make a difference what anyone does? I’ve had a good look at what God has given us to do—busywork, mostly. True, God made everything beautiful in itself and in its time—but he’s left us in the dark, so we can never know what God is up to, whether he’s coming or going. I’ve decided that there’s nothing better to do than go ahead and have a good time and get the most we can out of life. That’s it—eat, drink, and make the most of your job. It’s God’s gift.

¹⁴ I’ve also concluded that whatever God does, that’s the way it’s going to be, always. No addition, no subtraction. God’s done it and that’s it. That’s so we’ll quit asking questions and simply worship in holy fear.