Lucy is currently pestering Toby, my golden retriever who is trying to take a nap on the couch at this late hour. She makes me smile. Which is the reason for this post….. after two years, I decided to pull this out again and write something good. Something happy to remember this part of the journey. Like many people, I journal when things are tough – because I need it. I need to write things down and wrestle with them. Knowing that I also share my thoughts with people close to me through this also challenges me to write it down in a way that truly communicates authentically. I know myself well – I’m both surprised and NOT surprised that I haven’t made a new post in a long time. 🙂
Lucy is a package delivered straight to me straight from God. She’s a little grunting, fussing, soft bundle of joy. I believe she will be a reminder that over time, things do come back together. She’s a reminder of what was – but even better because now it’s bathed in authenticity, honesty, and truly embracing who I am.
My world, my dreams, my life upended three years ago. All my posts back then were about the walls being torn down. It was hard, lonely, and the darkest time of my life. But, as I posted before, sometimes the walls of your house have to be torn down so that you can sit in the rubble and see the stars. Now, three years later, my house is being rebuilt. But hopefully with LOTS of skylights. 🙂
So what are the walls and skylights? A life as a music teacher. Middle school choir and math, to be exact. If you are one from my past life you know how ironic it is that God brought those two together. The beauty of it is that while my life is crazy, and super challenging as a single mom working a full time + more job…. I see God’s hand in every item of that busy-ness. Landing me in a position that needed rebuilding, a place that was calling my name and needed its own Kristy-stamp. New colleagues, connections I’ve made over time, roles in leadership. A new home for my parents built on property next to my home. A home I own – well, technically the bank owns – but with my name on the mortgage with rebuilt credit and forward movement each day.
There’s still more work to be done…. I feel beyond exhausted most days. I can’t juggle it all. I long for friends – but am aware that I have to have a calmer life in order to be a friend if I want to have friends. 🙂 I feel like I’m always striving and always giving. I keep praying for acceptance for what my life has become while also being thankful. Constantly a battle. Many nights, I am up late anxiously mulling over decisions to make for the kids, finances to juggle, the middle schooler currently breaking my heart, the lesson plans, the rehearsal plans for Shrek Jr….. I still have a lot of work to do in the trust department. I’ve noticed that as my world is slowly rebuilding, I’m once again being challenged to trust and let go.
So what’s with Lucy? What’s with the adorable blue-eyed beauty? She’s another step in the right direction. One that most people will think I’m utterly crazy to have done. I asked my dad, the day after I picked her up, if he was upset at me for doing it (our lives are inextricably linked because I need them and they need me!). He grinned at me, and said, “Nope…. that’s my Kristy.” I can’t tell you what those words meant to me.
Lucy is my statement to myself (and to those that knew me back in the Sadie-girl days) that all can be redeemed, refocused, and given a second chance. Many of my memories with Sadie-girl and Pasha were tarnished a bit when the truth all came out. It had been a place I went to hide – to get away. It was also a place and a time when my choice to bury my head in the sand also gave room for more deceit and pain to be introduced into my world. But underneath all that, despite the choices to just survive and replace the pain instead of deal with the truth, there was a part of me that thrived in that world. Training my best friend (or let’s face it – them training me), the connection with creation, the competition, the friends built (ones that lasted well through all the others that abandoned me), and the memories of Sadie’s pure joy and happiness when she ran. Those are the things that I have set aside and forgotten in the craziness of picking my life up and attempting to rebuild. Lucy is the signal that I’m remembering. That I’m claiming that joy and that “Kristy” and bringing her back.
Lucy is probably the first TRULY selfish choice I’ve made in the last few years. I’ve been so focused on my kids. On my parents. On rebuilding. On providing. On surviving. So many people in my life, ones that care for me – have told me to do better with “self care” to make changes so that I can be healthier. I appreciate those people – they love me and want the best. I have tried to listen to them. I carve out time. I hire babysitters. I communicate with the kids’ dad about how and when he can step in and help. But honestly, those steps are often temporary bandaids. And as a true introvert, many times they actually add to my stress – because it involves leaving my house…. and often attempting to be social (which is HARD!). 🙂
Lucy will be my new agility pup. She is mine. She’s already communicated very clearly that she is mine, and I am hers. I can’t walk from one room to the other without little blue eyes following me. When I went to see her at the breeders home, I was confronted by memories and wavered a bit. The breeder was one of the gals I competed with. I traveled from the west side out to Deer Park to compete at Hoodoo Howlers with Sadie. It was shortly after I switched from just sorta doing agility, to really doing it and doing it well – because Sadie loved it. I drove on to her property and saw the big barn – and remembered that I DQ’d in every run that day with Sadie because I was trying to teach her to be a teammate with me. We were playing the “no stay, no play” game at the start line. My friends had come around me that day. I was so discouraged. But they cheered me on. The next day, we came back, and Sadie pulled a perfect day for me, also getting first in her division for every round. My heart was in my throat as I drove my van behind the arena back to meet this little “Blackberry” girl that might bring me back to this world.
When “Blackberry” was released from her kennel, she was playing in the yard with her sister. The two of them wrestled and played. Her sister actually looked more like my Sadie. But she wasn’t interested in me at all. Blackberry, however, took one look at me, left her toys and play and glued herself to my side. At one point, she plopped down in exhaustion, after playing tug with me, and the little back leg stuck out instantly as she huffed a big sigh and relaxed. Sadie did this. We called it her “kickstand”. Tears came to my eyes and I knew I was in trouble and taking that little girl home with me.
I wasn’t supposed to get a puppy. You all know that my life is WAY too crazy and it doesn’t make sense at all. I will obviously be forced into making some changes in order to bring agility and this little girl back into my world. But I’m excited. Many of my closest supporters have advocated for me to simplify and make things easier on me, to add in something only if it built me up. I always said no and just shut down – it just seemed impossible, and that there was no hope for that. I guess God once more needed to insert something to make me do what I needed to do.
I have no idea how much we’ll actually do. Maybe just practicing for fun at the arena. Maybe we’ll actually take lessons. Maybe we’ll do a trial or two. Maybe more. It doesn’t matter. It’s not about being exactly like Sadie – its about redeeming the memories and the love and the connection. Believing I still deserve to be happy – just for me, not because of what I do for others.
So Lucy is my selfish act. She will be much more than a self-care choice that helps me survive til the next day or the next change I can climb into bed and attempt to recharge. She may add to my exhaustion. But all the while, she will fill my cup to overflowing. I believe its the kind of selfishness that God smiles down on. Someday, I hope I can share with my girls what she really means – that she’s so much more than a puppy. She’s restoration of a dream.