Reposted from March, 2017
My trip to work from Maple Valley to Renton is a dark and windy road. This morning its raining. The pain is real today. It matches the darkness outside. The rain feels like its trying to wash it away, but its not working. The dark thoughts match the darkness outside.
I turn to God – I beg Him for something. Anything to help me feel like I can handle the day in front of me without falling apart. And then I get frustrated at myself. I have to be strong. I have to be brave. My kids, the church people, my parents. I have to hold it together for them. Why, God? I can’t be enough – I’m not good enough. For him. For my kids. For my church. For my parents. For my family. Not good enough. I want to be. I just can’t.
I finally just push the on button for my radio. Spirit 105.3. On a good day, the morning hosts make me laugh. On a bad day, I usually have a playlist on spotify that I listen to so that I can control what I’m listening to. 🙂 But today, I don’t have that. Today I’m at the mercy of the radio. Or God.
An older worship song starts blasting through as soon as my radio turns on. Its one I used to love, but it got overused and recycled. Its been a LONG time since I’ve heard it. The words catch me off guard.
Word of God speak
Would you pour down like rain
Washing my eyes to see
Your majesty
To be still and know
That you’re in this place
Please let me stay and rest
In your holiness…..
WAIT. Stop the radio. Did it just say to stay and rest in Your holiness? Grrr. Can’t stop the radio…. its not spotify. I’m so spoiled by technology!
The song finishes, and I switch the radio off immediately. Those words echo through my mind. “Washing my eyes to see…. your Majesty…. to be still and know, that you’re in this place, please let me stay???? When have I longed to stay in the presence of His holiness and His majesty? Sadly, never. I have always feared His Majesty and His Holiness. How am I supposed to REST there? Why would I ask Him to let me stay there? Where I don’t measure up? Where I will never be good enough. Where shame washes over me because even though He has saved me with His supreme sacrifice, I just screw up again and again and again. And hey, look at my life – the ultimate screw up!
“What if you’re wrong?”
If I wasn’t driving, I would have frozen. The words were so real. The whisper so gentle.
“What if that’s not the way it is? What if my Holiness and Majesty is a gift to you? What if I WANT you to be here?”
Tears were coursing down my face. It was too much, too hard. I had a day of work in front of me, so I gritted my teeth and did just that. I taught my classes. I was a superstar mom. I smiled at my husband and pretended that I had it all together.
It wasn’t until the evening, when I flipped the switch on my fireplace, snuggled in my papasan chair, and pulled my favorite blue blanket over me, closing my eyes, that I let it all go. I cried. For a long time. I asked God to help me understand. Did I not know Him all this time? How was I supposed to rest in something that meant something completely other to me?
And then a silly illustration came to me, but its one I will hold on to. Probably one I’ll remember every time I climb in my favorite chair and pull my blanket up over me. That softness. That color. My daughter picked it out for my birthday on a random trip with her dad through Fred Meyer’s the night before my birthday. I loved that blue blanket. It was from her. It was warm, and soft, and matched my eyes (so she said). What if that blue blanket was God’s holiness and majesty? What if it completely covered me? What if it was soft, and kind, and loving? Don’t get me wrong – I’m not watering down God’s supremacy, His omnipotence, His completely otherness…. but maybe in the midst of the pain and striving to make it all right, maybe I missed God’s heart in it as well.
I tend to think of God’s work in my life similar to Scrubbing Bubbles. You know that cool disinfectant stuff you spray on your sink and counter? And it pools and patterns around the really gross stuff so you know where to scrub? I think I’ve often seen God’s work in my life as that – when He comes in, he’s the scrubbing bubbles – pointing out all the places where I’ve failed, fallen short, aren’t worthy of His gift, etc. I see all the places I have to fix. I need to work on. The goals and things I need to accomplish. He’s going to help me fix them…. He’s the powerful disinfectant that’s going to point it out, nab it, and then we’re going to be better.
I think I’ve had it all wrong. Does God want to change my life? Yes! Absolutely! Does God want to make me better? Does He know where I fall short? Yep. Everywhere. Don’t need scrubbing bubbles for that. But His love, His holiness, is a gift to cover it all up. He doesn’t see broken, scarred, and not good enough. He sees beauty, and softness, and warmth. He sees the end result of what He’s accomplished. He is care, and compassion, and safety. My sin isn’t there. Its gone. I’m not “not good enough” because of what He’s done and given me.
Wash my eyes to see…. Your majesty….. to be still and KNOW that you’re in this place, please let me stay and rest. In your Holiness.
Stay – don’t run.
Rest – don’t fight.
Be Still – don’t strive.
Wash my eyes so that I can see YOU instead of me.
Curl up in your favorite blanket tonight. Remember that God’s love, holiness, majesty, strength is all for you, not against you. Rest in Him. Be ok with being completely broken and not enough. Because He is. Its only an issue for you – not for Him.
I love the authentic and genuine heart that I hear as I read your blog and see you working all of this out. My Dear Sister, you’re love for Jesus is amazing. He loves you SO much and His plan is still in the thick of it. Bless you for sharing.