When I was growing up, I had a twisted view of surrender. I didn’t even realize it. But in my heart and head, surrender and submission was something that was required of me by God. Romans 12:1, Galatians 2:20, Matthew 16:24-25, and so many more. My view of surrender was that moment on the altar when Abraham was about to sacrifice his son. God was asking him to kill his son. His dreams. It was a terrible powerful God demanding my all, not caring what I hoped for, wanted, dreamed of. Surrender was an act that proved my love to Jesus.
Surrender and submission was a form of bondage for me. It didn’t feel good. It was me hiding my pain, taking one for the team, being silent when injustice and questions were haunting me at every turn.
When my life blew up this year, it was this surrender that left me raw and angry at God. I believed in His love, but I didn’t feel it. I had given everything to Him. I had borne so many burdens. I had put up with so much. I had surrendered! For the sake of His kingdom, right?
I had it all wrong.
What if surrender is a sweet victory? What if surrender is rest? What if surrender is peace? What if surrender is accepting God’s love and holiness as the gift that it is? That is the journey I’m on now, and I think I’m getting it…. but slowly. I’ll spend countless hours wrestling through huge questions that I can’t answer right now but feel that I MUST have an answer to move forward. And the answers don’t come. So I wrestle. And then I realize, that I won’t know the answers. There is only One who does know and does have a plan. Surrender isn’t sacrifice. Surrender is trust. Surrender takes into account all the characteristics of God…. not just the terrible Holy God, but His love, His faithfulness, His care, His loyalty, His promises. Its acting on the belief that God does love me and has the best in mind for me, not just for everyone else. Its believing that when my heart breaks, so does His. Its believing that when I’m completely in the dark and alone, He’s still there. It’s letting go and believing that He has my back, and His promises of “not letting my feet stumble” are real…. but aren’t necessarily hand in hand with understanding where those feet are leading me.
In my story now, surrender is putting it all out there and not pretending that I am perfect, strong, and doing it all right. Its admitting brokenness and then putting my hand in the hand of Jesus and letting Him lead me across the water….. on top of the water, which freaks me out!
In my walk right now, surrender is taking a step forward, even if the opinions of others say differently, even though I don’t know the end result, even if it makes no sense.
In my relationships, this is choosing to not control the narrative, the people I interact with, and who does and does not know my story. I go to church every week with my kids…. opening myself up to people that are not “safe” to me because of my past rejection and pain. I go to work each day without a wedding ring on my finger, and yet talk openly about the fact that I have kids, and see people connecting the dots in their head. It means not controlling their opinions of me as those dots are connected.
This is so so so hard for me. But its also so rewarding. When the darkness seems to overwhelm me, when my failures are stacked WAY higher than my successes, when I feel like I can’t possibly stand the loneliness and pain any longer, I stop. Just stop. When I recognize that my God is the king of the world, when I recognize that His love isn’t earned, when I see His holiness as my warm comforting blue blanket enfolding me and covering me, that is surrender. That is peace. That is rest. That is sweet victory. When I am able to do that, my questions remain unanswered. The opinions of people remain unaffected. Yet is doesn’t matter. Only His grace matters. Therein lies rest.
🤗💕
In Acceptance Lieth Peace
He said, ‘I will forget the dying faces;
The empty places,
They shall be filled again.
O voices moaning deep within me, cease.’
But vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in forgetting lieth peace.
He said, ‘I will crowd action upon action,
The strife of faction
Shall stir me and sustain;
O tears that drown the fire of manhood cease.’
But vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in endeavour lieth peace.
He said, ‘I will withdraw me and be quiet,
Why meddle in life’s riot?
Shut be my door to pain.
Desire, thou dost befool me, thou shalt cease.’
But vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in aloofness lieth peace.
He said, ‘I will submit; I am defeated.
God hath depleted
My life of its rich gain.
O futile murmurings, why will ye not cease?’
But vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in submission lieth peace.
He said, ‘I will accept the breaking sorrow
Which God tomorrow
Will to His son explain.’
Then did the turmoil deep within me cease.
Not vain the word, not vain;
For in Acceptance lieth peace.
Dear Kristy… Peace be with you. I am currently reading a book you might find interesting ( I know, teacher answer) but it focuses on prayer. The biggest ah ha I have gotten from it cycles around understanding I have been doing it wrong. Essentially I need to stop trying to do it right and just allow grace to take me. I will find peace, I will know what to ‘do” and when because I will be living a more open and authentic life. Being open to the Holy spirit, trusting I am forgiven, not in need of redemption, and then moving to what I am given the grace to do. A different kind of letting go. The book is: Seeing is Believing by Gregor A Boyd.