Beautiful, Brave, Free

Z-Man is my favorite nickname for my youngest, Ezekiel.  He’s my miracle baby…. came at what seemed like the wrong time in life, came with bells and whistles of health issues…. and yet he’s the perfect example of God using everything that seems wrong to us to make a perfect point.  He will be my walking reminder that God is in charge, that He loves me, and He just needs my buy-in to give me a life of freedom.

Its almost Ezekiel’s second birthday.  I’ve been pondering his appearance into my life recently as we draw near to that special day.  He was what everyone fondly calls an “accident”, but we all know that there are no accidents in God’s book.  In choosing his name, we went between Isaiah and Ezekiel.  I settled on Ezekiel because of the story of that prophet.  God asked him to be a beacon of love to His people in the midst of rebellion and so much pain.  I want Zeke to grow up knowing how much God loves His people and how He will do anything to win them back to Him.  I want Zeke to know that there is never “too much” or “too far” with God.  That God can breathe life into those bones if we just ask.

When I had my ultrasound at 20 weeks, my doc walked in with a smile and laid out all the good stuff she saw on his ultrasound…. and then she paused.  I froze and waited for the “but”.  She said it was probably nothing, and that I shouldn’t worry, but it seemed like his heart was slightly enlarged on one side.  They couldn’t see anything else, and it could just be a bad picture.  They also said that he wasn’t “hooked” up quite right to me, so we would be monitoring him closely.  There was alot of darkness in my life during that time, and this little life growing in me, was a hope of something that might make things better.  It was so scary and so hard not knowing what was up with him.

At 34 weeks, the doctors found his CHD – congenital heart defect – a fairly common one, but rarely diagnosed in-utero.  Babies with a coarctation of the aorta usually weren’t diagnosed until they were born, and suddenly having problems.  Its basically a defect where there is a small “kink” in the aorta, so the pumped blood doesn’t get through, and there’s a lot of backwash.  In Z’s case, it had caused one side of his heart to be slightly enlarged because it was working too hard to pump the blood through too narrow of a space.  We were devastated, but so thankful that we could have a plan to have him at a hospital under the careful watch of pediatric cardiologists and surgeons.

Those of you that know me, might remember his story…. fastforward, he was born, immediately checked into the NICU, prepped for treatment, surgery planned…. and then, nothing.  The next ultrasound on his heart showed that the coarctation was stretching and widening, expanding, and he might be ok.  Our doctors sent us home.  We were reeling.  Thankful, but unsure.  Three months later, at a follow up ultrasound and EKG, our doctor said that Zeke had a normally functioning heart, and there would be no more talk about a CHD.

Of course I asked questions.  The doctors had no answers.  I asked if it could have been a big mistake – a misdiagnosis – and they said they didn’t think so.  I saw the pictures of his heart.  I saw the backwash on his heart monitor.  It was real.  And then it wasn’t.

So two years later, I’m looking at a strong growing boy.  He’s full of life. He drives his sisters crazy.  He scares me to death with his exploits.  And I still have questions.  If it wasn’t a misdiagnosis, what was it?  Why did God miraculously heal my son?  I have another close friend whose baby was just born with a CHD, and underwent heart surgery.  She’s doing great now, but she wasn’t miraculously healed…. she had to undergo the surgery, and she’ll be monitored for the rest of her life.  So what’s the difference?  It wasn’t lack of faith on her part, or more faith on my part, trust me!

I was reading, just recently, the passage in book of Ezekiel about the dry bones coming back to life.  (Ezekiel 37).  Two things jumped out to me immediately.  1) God made it very clear to Ezekiel that HE was the one breathing life into those bones, and no one else.  and 2) and Ezekiel had to tell the dry bones that God said to do it.  God didn’t just do it…. Ezekiel had to tell the dry bones for God.  But I realize it wasn’t “for God”…. I believe it was for himself.  And I believe, that my Zeke’s story was also a lesson for me in this regard.

I tend to want to fix things in my life.  I want to be the one breathing life into the dry bones.  I’m going to say the right things to my kids as they grown up with a broken family.  I’m going to make the right choices for their education.  I’m going to fix the financial difficulties I face.  I’m going to be enough…. do enough.  To make everything ok.  Only, we all know, that’s not possible.  And it drives me crazy!

The thing is, that God isn’t going to just do it for me without me surrendering to Him and asking the dry bones (for God – for myself) to come alive.  God expects me to lay down my weapons, my plans, my strivings.  But He also doesn’t want me to stand there and do nothing.  He wants me to boldly ask the dry bones to come alive – because it is only through His power, and my surrender  that resurrection and healing happen.

For my story, for my life, I think that God knew I needed a physical Ezekiel walking hand in hand with me through this journey.  He knew that I needed to see His healing hand that was done without the help of the doctors.  He doesn’t always work that way, but I think He did for me and for my Z-man so that I could have a constant reminder that it isn’t ME who is doing the fixing and the healing.  There is nothing I can do to heal the brokenness.  That’s His job.  All He wants me to do is see it, and claim it.  Boldly go into His presence and ask for His love and His purposes to work miracles in my life and in the lives of my kids.

“‘Then he told me to speak to the bones and say: “O dry bones, listen to the words of God, ⁵ for the Lord God says, ‘See! I am going to make you live and breathe again! ⁶ I will replace the flesh and muscles on you and cover you with skin. I will put breath into you, and you shall live and know I am the Lord.’”

⁷ So I spoke these words from God, just as he told me to; and suddenly there was a rattling noise from all across the valley, and the bones of each body came together and attached to each other as they used to be. ⁸ Then, as I watched, the muscles and flesh formed over the bones, and skin covered them, but the bodies had no breath. ⁹ Then he told me to call to the wind and say: “The Lord God says: Come from the four winds, O Spirit, and breathe upon these slain bodies, that they may live again.” ¹⁰ So I spoke to the winds as he commanded me, and the bodies began breathing; they lived and stood up—a very great army.

¹¹ Then he told me what the vision meant: “These bones,” he said, “represent all the people of Israel. They say: ‘We have become a heap of dried-out bones—all hope is gone.’ ¹² But tell them, ‘The Lord God says: My people, I will open your graves of exile and cause you to rise again and return to the land of Israel. ¹³ And, then at last, O my people, you will know I am the Lord. ¹⁴ I will put my Spirit into you, and you shall live and return home again to your own land. Then you will know that I, the Lord, have done just what I promised you.’”