As January has passed, and a new semester has started at school, there’s been a lot of talk about new year’s resolutions – or new semester resolutions. I made mine. I also heard about the push to focus less on resolutions and more on a “word” that would inspire or drive you. I did this too…. it was and is “hope”. Its a word describing what I want God to do in my life…. and what I want to hold on to no matter what comes.
One of the hardest places for me to cling to “hope” is church. If you know my story, you know why. I was once young and passionate and motivated to pour myself into the church. I felt called – not necessarily to overseas missions – but to the church and to His people in it. Its all gone now. Its so hard to not want to be angry. To not write everyone and everything to do with church off. Many people in my life, including my therapist, encouraged me to be ok with this and to take a break to give it space. I wasn’t giving up on God – I was just taking a step back and choosing to see Him and feel Him in the safe places, which wasn’t church for me.
And yet, I didn’t feel peace with that. I knew that God wanted me to keep going. To not let my pain and emotions drive this. So I have kept going. I haven’t been stellar at having the best attitude or trusting people. I’m ok with that. I know that God is too. He hasn’t asked me to bury that pain or those feelings. He knows them. I’m not kidding Him or hiding anything from Him. I also felt that He wanted me to be honest about these feelings along with my choice to keep obeying. I’ve darkened the doorways of three churches since “the dark time”. At every door I have been honest. I’ve told them I don’t want to be there, but I am. I have been so incredibly blessed by their love and their acceptance. Each church that I spent time at, that heard my story, loved me. I know that has been God’s blessing on me for my obedience.
I wish I could say that my obedience, and the love I’ve felt from these people at these churches have healed me, and that I can’t wait to go to church every week. It hasn’t. I’m still not there. I still struggle. Most Sundays, when the pastor is speaking, I still have to imagine glue on my butt keeping me in that seat instead of running. When the worship pastor is singing, I close my eyes so I can’t see his face because that will slam the door of my heart to God’s face. I’m wounded. I’m scarred. But God still loves me, and He’s blessing me despite it.
Since moving to Spokane, I’ve found a precious church, led by people that have more of a genuine love and heart for God than I’ve ever seen or experienced in any of the churches I’ve been at. The first Sunday I was there, I was so hardened that I dismissed and looked away from what obviously was God’s heart reverberating through the walls and through every face there. But God told me to go back, so I did. And slowly I realized they were real. I sat down with one of the lead pastors. She was kind and listened and didn’t judge. I struggled with jealousy – this is what I had wanted for my life! But I kept going. Then I got involved. With much fear and trepidation, I played keyboard for the first time with the worship team. I went home after practice and cried until I couldn’t cry anymore…. and I kept going. God gave me the strength to obey. I led a small little kids choir for a Christmas service…. nothing like I used to do, but seeing those faces again, being a part of their innocent love and worship for Him. He’s blessed me and allowed me to see that a life surrendered to Him can be one victorious through the pain. I’m not perfect. I still struggle, but I’m getting better. He’s winning the battle.
The last two to three weeks I’ve found myself coming to Him once more, asking Him what He wants from me this month. My church is doing a focus on love and God’s view of marriage. They are hosting an amazing marriage conference. And so I’ve asked…. God, do I have to do this? They’ve advertised that its for everyone – singles, married, divorced, no matter where you’re at in life. I see their heart. I trust that heart. Their intent. Their love for the people in the church. I am SO thankful they are doing this series. Our church needs it so badly. I want my girls growing up in a church that fights for this. The enemy has had far too much victory in the battleground of marriages in the church. I am a picture of just this.
But to go? To sit there when I’m just barely feeling like I can do this church thing period? To hear what God intends and know that at every turn it wasn’t that way for me? To know that I was that innocent girl that fought a losing battle for her marriage? I believed that God wanted me to give everything. I believed that the word “divorce” was up there with some of the worst of curse words. I told my husband that we would NEVER use that word. That we would fight through everything and anything because God did NOT want divorce under any circumstance in any world. I had the great intention of being the perfect pleaser of God – and I lost sight of the fact that He loves me more than an institution. My perfectionism drove the nail in my coffin.
This last week has been a struggle for me. I have to decide. The pressure is on. The series is starting…. tomorrow! I have struggled with what Scripture says about going to church. I’ve struggled with my pain. I’ve struggled when the request for me to play on the worship team came through – I’m being loved and accepted…. what happens if I don’t go? What happens if I just can’t do it? Will I be rejected? Will they tell me I’m not “following Scripture” and reprimand me? Or will they just pity me in my brokenness? Talk about me behind closed doors and shake their heads because I’m not “healing” fast enough?
When I sat down with the pastor, not long after I began attending the church, I told her that I would be perfectly happy to blend into the crowd and not be a “person” at this church. I told her I didn’t need a kids choir. I didn’t need to be on stage. I didn’t need people to know who I am. All I wanted was to obey – to be there – and to have the privilege of praying for them. I know first hand the battle that goes on over the church. I told her that if we never had another conversation face to face, that at the very least I just wanted her, and her husband, to look out from the pulpit from time to time, see my face and know that I was in the trenches praying for them. For protection. For Wisdom. For Strength. For that all to come from the only Source it should.
In my prayers the last few days, this is where God has settled me. For this month. For right now. I’m not going to service, but not out of disobedience. Not out of fear. Quite the opposite – I’m choosing the courageous route of being honest that I’m not there yet. I’m not healed enough. I’m a work in progress. But I’m also not useless. I’m not staying home wallowing in pity. I’m on my knees….. because I have Hope. Because I know that God can and WILL win.
I’m praying…. earnestly for my church. For my pastors. For my worship pastor and his wife. I’m praying for the young people in that church that aren’t married yet and need to hear this series for the future. I’m praying for the married people that need to hear truths to help them fight for their marriages. I’m praying for the widowed and the divorced that God has in His hands…. for those that are ready to be loved and trust again, but also for those like me that are still healing. I’m praying for my daughters. For my son. For God’s victory in their life and in the lives of His people.
For a time, God asked me to obey and go even though I was afraid and hurt. For right now, God’s grace is giving me a different route. He’s asking me to be on my knees for His church – not just mine here, but everywhere. He wants marriage to be a picture of His undying and unconditional love. He wants our marriages to show the world that love. He wants our mess ups and screw ups to point back to His overwhelming grace and acceptance.
I am blessed. So very blessed to be in this place. To know that He has given me this gift. This ability to be in His presence. To be loved and accepted, to be given this opportunity to pray and fight for His church…. despite my brokenness.
Hope. Prayer. Beauty out of ashes.
“That’s why, when I heard of the solid trust you have in the Master Jesus and your outpouring of love to all the followers of Jesus, I couldn’t stop thanking God for you—every time I prayed, I’d think of you and give thanks. But I do more than thank. I ask—ask the God of our Master, Jesus Christ, the God of glory—to make you intelligent and discerning in knowing him personally, your eyes focused and clear, so that you can see exactly what it is he is calling you to do, grasp the immensity of this glorious way of life he has for his followers, oh, the utter extravagance of his work in us who trust him—endless energy, boundless strength!” Ephesians 1:16, MSG
Good choices. Prayer is so important. I pray your time in prayer was encouraging and sweet. God bless.