About two weeks ago, I was walking through Target with my two oldest running free around the cart, and Zeke seat belted into the cart. He is never happy about that, but there is no way I’m letting the two year old free! When I’m out with those three, I always get smiles and looks and comments of, “Your hands are full!” I love it. They are good kids. I’m so blessed.
On this occasion, my middle girl, Anali (fondly called Ali) was super excited for her freedom and chance to prove she was a big girl. She had no intention of holding on to the cart or me, or even staying on the same side with her big sis. She was the three year old in charge and on a mission! It was stressing me out a bit, although she was doing nothing wrong, but I asked her to come and hold my hand.
“No, Mommy, I’m good. I don’t need to hold your hand.”
My heart squeezed a bit. I’m not ready for her to be so independent and not needing me! And she honestly wasn’t doing anything wrong. She was actually doing great. Staying up with us, definitely asserting her independence, but staying safe.
In that moment, I stopped the cart, and bent down. She stood a good four feet away from me, stubbornly asserting that she did not need me to be close.
“I know, Anali. I know you are brave and smart and you don’t need to hold Mommy’s hand. But sometimes, Mommy just wants to hold your hand because I love you…. and want to be with you. Would that be ok?”
I was greeted with a big grin and she ran to me. “That’s a GREAT idea, Mommy!”
Later, I was thinking fondly about that instance. It warmed my heart, and also taught me the value of letting go and purposely telling my girls how proud I am of them and how I know they are truly awesome. And then, like He often does, God poked me a bit. It was as if I suddenly switched roles, and I was the independent three year old, and He was the one asking to hold my hand. It struck me that God is also proud and confident of me…. He’s the one who made me. He’s the one that has molded me and changed me so that I can go out each day and face the challenges ahead. But that doesn’t mean I have to go it alone. He’s also there offering to hold my hand… not because I have to, but because He wants to share in that joy of independence with me. For relationship. For joy.
Over my growing up years, I never thought I was good enough. I always thought God was in the business of making me better. That He saw only shortcomings and things that needed to be done. I had ingrained in me that I could do nothing without God…. and I believed it. But maybe that’s not true…. maybe the truth is that I CAN do alot and that God loves seeing it because He’s proud of me! Simple sort of a “duh” thought, but life changing in my perspective.
I think about the ways God has uniquely made me and shaped me. I’m an introvert, but I’m a teacher. I won’t talk in a group unless forced to, and yet I teach math to squirrely teenagers every day and love it. I love dogs and all things animals. I’m introspective and wise. I’m a good mom. I love people. I am caring and compassionate. I’m insanely loyal and won’t give up. I fight for truth and righteousness. Why am I these things? Because He has done them in me…. and He still is. Now He loves to sit back and watch us do what He’s made us to do. But holding his hand at the same time? Even better!
Flash forward to this past week. Anali goes to the mall with Mimi (grandma) and brags about how she can go down the escalator ALL. BY. MYSELF. That she doesn’t need to hold Mimi’s hand. So, sure enough, they walk to the escalator. My mom, being generally amazing with the kids, offers to let go of Ali’s hand so that she can prove that she’s a big girl. Anali’s response? Clings to her hand like death is upon her. Every moment on that escalator, her hand tightly in Mimi’s while trying to be brave on the outside in every other way.
I love that God knows we can do things and that He’s proud of us, as His children, for being amazing. I love that He offers friendship and companionship in our journey. But I also love that He knows when we CAN’T let go. He doesn’t demand control. He offers love. Relationship. Safety. If one day I feel like I can conquer the world, He enjoys the ride with me. If one day I’m absolutely convinced that I am capable and can do this without Him, and then feel confronted with the truth that I cannot do what He’s asked me to do, He holds my hand and walks me through it.
Isaiah 41:13 – “For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.”
I totally teared up when she agreed to hold your hand after you asked her for your own sake. I love that kid.